Dear Bipolar Disorder, You suck

This post is the hardest one I've ever had to write but I need to come clean and it needs to be said.
Dear Bipolar Disorder, you suck!

This year I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but that's really the middle of this story. For years I battled myself, my mind and my body. My body wanted one thing but my mind was always holding me back, I felt like an empty vesile at many times just sitting along for the ride.

One minute I was fine, the next I'm in a panic with my head bowed down feeling like I'm going to die "Omg am I dieing, is this what it feels like to die, I can't breathe" I'm sweating but my body is cold, I feel so sick that I'm going to vomit, not going to,I am and now I'm throwing up unable to breath, I really am dieing; This is a panic attack and this is anxiety disorder. Anxiety is just one side to this evil trick that my mind likes to play, like my brain is something  like a game that no one wins.

After the downward spiral of a happy day out, the panic attack came and went but what follows is even more vicious, Depression is like a disease your body can't fight off. One day I'm out smelling the spring air and venturing to the park and the next I'm swallowed by my bed unable to get out. I'm stuck in a black hole of emptiness, there are no words to describe how I feel because I'm not really feeling. I'm in a dark place that no one can get me out of, like a small corner with a door without light but only it's not a corner it's my mind. Sometimes its not so empy tho, no, it's filled with racing thoughts that no one should ever have to have.

This is bipolar disorder, my body is a puppet and my mind is the strings being tugged by manic anxiety and manic depression.  One day the story is a happy one to be told on the outside, a smile is painted on my face as I race around rearranging the furniture and scrubbing the floors. You may not even notice I stayed up the whole night before digging out 3 garbage bags of clothes to donate after I take my child to the zoo and out to lunch all while making a list in my mind of all the things I need to get done before depression hits again. The next few days I'm back in bed just waiting for the energy streak to come back while I lose my cool with everyone who walks in my path. 

Dear Bipolar Disorder, you suck.

Alyssa Waters

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