An Open Letter to My Abuser

I never thought a day would come that I would be writing this letter to a man who violated me in ways I would never wish upon even my worst enemy. The pain I endured, my self doubts, the countless panic attacks and the many moments I was too scared to leave home without my mommy have all brought me to this day where I thank you. 
I thank you for showing me I'm worth much more than I could ever imagine. The days of self pity and feeling worthless are far behind me. I no longer have my mind full of of thoughts and wonders, questioning if a man thought I was worth loving, if I was pretty enough to hold my hand or if I was wife material. The days of partying to grab any man's attention, not caring about if it was the right attention as long as a guy showed some interest I was satisfied. All these self doubts and careless actions led me to you.Thank you for showing me that I should be valued as a woman who doesn't need validation from a man who looks at me with puppy dog eyes to fall in wonderlust. 
When we first met you were the boy in my dreams, showering me with gifts and holding me tight at night. You wore a mask of a beautiful soul but deep down you were a demon in disguise.  My love for you grew into a fear, a source of entrapment and ultimately grew to a hatred that I could have never imaged. 
Then the day came, a day where I feared for my life and my unborn child's life; the day I put on my big girl panties and put a stop to the abuse. You finally pushed me to my breaking point and showed me that inside was a strong woman, a woman who could go on without a man to support her. I no longer hoped for better days while you screamed in my face, I finally knew there would be better and brighter days without you. 
You may think that you broke me, but what you really did was help mold me into the woman I am today. The two years I spent feeling trapped inside my mind with panic attacks taking over my life showed me that you can get through this. No one is worth losing your life over and in the end you can choose to take your life back and that's exactly what I did. I chose not to take self pity upon myself but to overcome this obstacle you threw at me, a minor bump in the road, instead I learned so much about myself and how much strength that I could have not only for myself but for my children.
Four years later I have an wonderful and caring man in my life who shows me what I deserve, I deserve to be loved because I love myself. You gave me the chance to start over and take my life by the ropes to mold myself into a woman who is confident in her self. Now I am a woman who sees the beauty that everyone else sees, not my looks but my soul, a person who gives what she's given, a girl who can't be broken and most importantly a mother who will fight to show her son and daughters what they too deserve in life.
Thank you for showing me how courageous I could be. Thank you for making me find my strength. Most importantly thank you for showing me I love myself. 

Alyssa Waters

1 comment:

Jen G said...

Wow this just made me cry. i was on an abusive relationship an was able to escape thanks to my family. And I found an amazing man!